By the by, Accountants, I won that “challenged books” poll and my man Rob Burgess at Nuvo was good on his word: He read Calorie Accounting (over Glenn Beck and The Hate U Give) for his journalistic take on my offensive diet book. And I’d say he liked it! Had a blast chatting with him — and my alma mater DPU picked up the buzz, too! We’re relevant again, piggies!!!
It’s been a million years since we last talked, Accountants. Hope you’re all skinny. I know I am! I’m breastfeeding a four-month old and have never been so emaciated in my life! This is the ticket! I think I’ll be a wet nurse when I grow up!
BIG NEWS. Calorie Accounting has been banned in Indianapolis! Jkjk, not quite BANNED, but almost! We’ve made a “challenged books” list, according to an indie Indy online paper and the Indianapolis Public Library. Someone checked out our book and plastered it with Post-It notes wherever there was an inappropriate word! I fucking love it!
Even more exciting is the fact that Rob Burgess, the reporter, has promised to read whatever “challenged” book wins a weeklong poll that ends today! We’re up against The Hate U Give and Glenn Beck! I’ve made my mother’s life!!!!
So first of all, check out the article here, which is more or less our best press to date, and also — VOTE! We can turn any independent midwestern newspaper editorial into fodder for the Today Show, right??? (But who really cares since KLG is gone)
Accountants, I’ve just had a breakthrough:
Cheat DAYS work for losing weight because 1 bad day requires 2 good days to get back on track.
Cheat WEEKENDS don’t work for losing weight but WILL WORK for maintaining weight because 2 bad days require 4 good days to get back on track. And that’s more or less a week. And then you’re even.
Does this make sense?
Anyway, designate one day a week a CHEAT DAY and eat whatever you want. You’ll always have something to look forward to, rewarding you for all your hard work the 6 days prior. Once you have reached your goal weight, don’t become a fatty all over again by living a CHEAT LIFE, but stay moderated and enjoy yourself on the weekends.
Oh yay! Off to eat cauliflower rice and dream about pizza this weekend!
OMFG it’s been too hot to go to the beach so I’ve given up on my bikini bod this summer and have spent the majority of my Friday nights watching disappointing blockbusters and eating spicy cheese popcorn from Mariano’s. Happier than a pig in shit, but not necessarily looking perfect in this season’s cutoffs. THEN I REMEMBERED that last year I published and toured a humorous DIET BOOK and that I’m some kind of “EXPERT” on keeping that MONEY MAKER MAKIN MONEY, and that I had better GET MY ASS IN GEAR so as not to be a LAUGHING STOCK / TOTAL JOKE / HACK.
Anyway now I’m completely obsessed with Trader Joe’s Riced Cauliflower, and I use it in/on EVERYTHING! I can convince myself that I’m eating rice dishes I love (like Indian or Thai food) that usually require a heaping pile of steamed white rice, but now I can do the same with my guilt-free cauli rice!! Oh it’s a dream. Go get some! And just remember to STAY ACCOUNTABLE, ACCOUNTANTS!
Dust off the book, laugh a little, and get back on the horse like your old friend Mando.
Ho, ho, ho, Calorie Accountants! ‘Tis the season for giddy overindulgence, earned laziness, decreased showers and increased sweatpants. Go ahead, have a ball, pack on the pounds this holiday season! You deserve it! But get yourself (and everyone on your list!) a Calorie Accounting VIP Swaggy Baggie to help keep those New Year’s Resolutions once January hits! Email firstname.lastname@example.org
Joy to the world and all of its cheese,
The Billy quote at the end is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. THANKS BAE!
And thanks so much to the suburban section of The Tribune–this article gets me even more pumped for my Burr Ridge Homecoming on Friday.. I’ll probably never top that Hungarian Housemaid role, but I hope this gets me close to being a hometown hero again.
Bless my alma mater, DePauw University, for their passionate support of alumnus #hotsaucegoals.
Keep voting, Accountants!!! You know I PUT THAT $#!T on EVERYTHING!!!!
I had such a blast when I did a radio spot with Chris Allen at Kool 101.7 in Duluth over the summer, and during it, he gave me 10 seconds to plead to Frank’s RedHot Sauce to make me their brand ambassador. It was hilarious and so much fun, and Chris promised me that he would do everything in his power to make Frank’s notice me. Well, he wasn’t kidding! Chris just had me on the air again, pleading my case to his audience to please vote for me in my Frank’s video contest!! He also wrote up a fabulous article for the Kool 101.7 website.. he’s just completely the best!!! I told him if I win, I’m coming to Duluth with a crate of hot sauce and we’ll eat macaroni and cheese and do karaoke. And I mean it.