Accountants, I’ve just had a breakthrough:

Cheat DAYS work for losing weight because 1 bad day requires 2 good days to get back on track.

Cheat WEEKENDS don’t work for losing weight but WILL WORK for maintaining weight because 2 bad days require 4 good days to get back on track. And that’s more or less a week. And then you’re even.

Does this make sense?

Anyway, designate one day a week a CHEAT DAY and eat whatever you want. You’ll always have something to look forward to, rewarding you for all your hard work the 6 days prior. Once you have reached your goal weight, don’t become a fatty all over again by living a CHEAT LIFE, but stay moderated and enjoy yourself on the weekends.

Oh yay! Off to eat cauliflower rice and dream about pizza this weekend!

Cool for the Summer

OMFG it’s been too hot to go to the beach so I’ve given up on my bikini bod this summer and have spent the majority of my Friday nights watching disappointing blockbusters and eating spicy cheese popcorn from Mariano’s. Happier than a pig in shit, but not necessarily looking perfect in this season’s cutoffs. THEN I REMEMBERED that last year I published and toured a humorous DIET BOOK and that I’m some kind of “EXPERT” on keeping that MONEY MAKER MAKIN MONEY, and that I had better GET MY ASS IN GEAR so as not to be a LAUGHING STOCK / TOTAL JOKE / HACK.

Anyway now I’m completely obsessed with Trader Joe’s Riced Cauliflower, and I use it in/on EVERYTHING! I can convince myself that I’m eating rice dishes I love (like Indian or Thai food) that usually require a heaping pile of steamed white rice, but now I can do the same with my guilt-free cauli rice!! Oh it’s a dream. Go get some! And just remember to STAY ACCOUNTABLE, ACCOUNTANTS!

Dust off the book, laugh a little, and get back on the horse like your old friend Mando.


Skinny Stocking Stuffers!

Ho, ho, ho, Calorie Accountants! ‘Tis the season for giddy overindulgence, earned laziness, decreased showers and increased sweatpants. Go ahead, have a ball, pack on the pounds this holiday season! You deserve it! But get yourself (and everyone on your list!) a Calorie Accounting VIP Swaggy Baggie to help keep those New Year’s Resolutions once January hits! Email for your fabulous CA gift set, which includes a signed/dedicated book, cute ass lil’ buttons, cute ass lil’ stickers, and a cute ass lil’ tote! 20 bucks! Email by Dec.19 to have these babies by Xmas!!!

Joy to the world and all of its cheese,


Happy Hornet Comes Home

The Billy quote at the end is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. THANKS BAE!

And thanks so much to the suburban section of The Tribune–this article gets me even more pumped for my Burr Ridge Homecoming on Friday.. I’ll probably never top that Hungarian Housemaid role, but I hope this gets me close to being a hometown hero again.

So HOT to be KOOL!

I had such a blast when I did a radio spot with Chris Allen at Kool 101.7 in Duluth over the summer, and during it, he gave me 10 seconds to plead to Frank’s RedHot Sauce to make me their brand ambassador. It was hilarious and so much fun, and Chris promised me that he would do everything in his power to make Frank’s notice me. Well, he wasn’t kidding! Chris just had me on the air again, pleading my case to his audience to please vote for me in my Frank’s video contest!! He also wrote up a fabulous article for the Kool 101.7 website.. he’s just completely the best!!! I told him if I win, I’m coming to Duluth with a crate of hot sauce and we’ll eat macaroni and cheese and do karaoke. And I mean it.

Here’s how to keep warm, Northern Minnesota!!!


Getting Hotter!!


Calorie Accountants know how important Frank’s RedHot sauce is to me and my diet (esp. Frank’s of the buffalo variety), and now I have a real shot at being their brand ambassador, like I’ve always dreamed!!! I made a video for their “I Put That $#!t on Everything” contest, and I’ve been selected for the Top 25!!! Now thru Halloween, the contest is based 100% on PUBLIC VOTING. That means you! And you! And you! And all your friends! Please help me reach my #hotsaucegoals and vote for my video (via link above)! You can vote daily!! Please tell everyone you know, please share, and please accept my apology in advance, as this will not be the last time you hear from me on this particular ‘hot’ topic 😉


-lil’ Mando



Snap Back: Day 3


Calorie Accounting – Snap Kitchen “Snap Back to Skinny” 3-Day Meal Plan
*Clean, conservative, regulated eating to get back on track after a delicious but horrifying calorie bender*

Day Three: 1180 Calories

TGIfreakingF yall!  It’s Friday, and a great one too!!  Not only am I seeing Brandon Flowers, my one true love, in concert at a favorite tiny venue tonight, but also, I’ll be a total babe screaming for him in the front row:  I stepped on the scale this morning, after officially completing my 3-day “Snap Back to Skinny” corrective kick-start meal plan, and I have effectively done away with every last ounce of the 4 pounds of hot dogs gained over Labor Day Weekend.  Let’s party!!!!!!

But before we do, let me bring you up to speed on the deets of the third and final daily menu:

We kicked things off yesterday with the re-introduction of a little caffeine (historically this is the most difficult part of any kind of clean-eating program for me; to put it lightly, I am a “fan” of Diet Coke) with the adorable Almonccino (80 Cal), a simple mixture of filtered water, organic coffee, and almonds.  Kind of like a Starbucks Double Shot without the dairy, sugar, calories, or regret.  My lil’ Almonccino was perfectly accompanied by the DELICIOUS Chia Seed & Date Pudding (160 Cal), which may have been my favorite part of this 3-day adventure.  Omg I love all the things you can do with Chia, inclusive of course of fuzzy sheep and presidential hairdos.  The chia seeds soak in a sweet combo of almond and coconut milk, expanding with the moisture, by the end almost giving it a tapioca-ish consistency.  There’s a bit of cinnamon and cayenne sprinkled in, and the whole shebang is topped with chopped almonds and dates.  It is breakfast, it is a snack, it is a dessert, it is perfect.  5 stars!!!


Mediterranean Spaghetti Squash (270 Cal) was a lovely lunch.  I adore spaghetti squash, but nearly chop off my finger every time I try to make it for myself (I’m bad with gourds; that’s what she said).  This was lightly tossed in a Greek vinaigrette, topped with tomato, feta, green onion, and capers.  (And olives too, if you’re an olive person, which I’m not, but I wish I was.) Delish.  Later in the afternoon I sat down in my rocking chair to enjoy a generous Fruit Medley (120 Cal), which was just mixed seasonal fresh fruit.  Strawberries, melons, grapes, pineapples.. can’t go wrong.  And a really big bowl!  Filled me up till dinner.


Dinner, then, was an Over-Easy Bison Burger (320 Cal). This was goooood.  How amazing that perfectly-cooked bison burgers can be available for you to grab-n-go-n-zap for a crazy fast, crazy healthy, crazy delicious dinner??  I don’t typically eat bison burgers because I’m intimidated by the thought of working with bison meat.. I don’t even know where to buy it, and if I did, I bet it’s hella expensive.  But I also know that bison meat is super lean and packed with nutrients, and this burger was to die.  Topped with an “over-easy” (though I’d call it over-medium–which I like better!!) eggiweg and served with a heaping side of sweet potato fries, I surely did not feel like I was dieting when I was eating this dinner.  How many 320-calorie Lean Cuisine meals are this beautiful and satisfying???


Then guess what it was time for???  That’s right, Jimmy Fallon and LATE NIGHT SNACKS, which means Caveman Clusters (230 Cal) on my couch in my comfy cozies!! A crunchy, salty-sweet, ooey-gooey, fibrous and protein-packed end to the evening, and celebratory toast to the successful conclusion of my 3-day snappy adventure.  I’m back on freaking track, people.

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And now… time for me and B-Flo to be lovebirds like this again: